Forgetting Edward
by allthatimlivingfor
Summary: Edward never comes back in New Moon.It's the one year anniversary of the day he leaves and how Bella deals with it. A little OOC but it fits my story


I had never felt so empty. Pain would have been better than this numbness, this feeling of not feeling anything at all. Not pain, not happiness, not joy, not sadness. Nothing. A dark void where my heart used to be.

It was even worse today. I could almost feel the silence that lived in me, hear the faint echoes of where I used to exist. I wasn't all here anymore. I kinda think that when _he_ left, he took the best parts of me with him---including my sanity.

You never would have thought that silence would drive you crazy-just the opposite, Usually, it's the endless noise, the constant flow of sound that drive people to the edge. But for me, the silence just reminds me over and over, each quiet-filled second, of what I"m missing out on.

I noted darkly the date on the calendar. September 24. One year ago today. I shuddered as my mind drifted back to that fateful day, but I couldn't bring myself to actually feel the pain. I was immune now.

I slammed my math workbook shut and heard the stomps of my sisters sneakers hitting the stairs. I reluctantly rose, not really wanting to deal with anybody. I just wanted to be by myself, but I knew I had to pretend I was allright for my family's sake.

I cracked the door open and saw my sister do the same to her door, across the hall. She shuffled in, carrying her sports bag over one shoulder. She turned when she heard me, her dark blonde hair swinging over her shoulder. She smiled, looking at odds with the sympathetic glint in her eyes.

I pretended not to notice and offered a small smile in return, silently begging her not to notice the bags under my eyes. "Got a lot of homework?" I asked, pretending for everyones sake I had somehow forgotten what day it was.

She groaned and flopped down in her beany bag chair, pretending for my sake that she actually believed that I was better. "Way too much. I hate school. The weekends are supposed to be for fun, not this crap!"

I gave a small forced laugh. I had forgotten it was Friday. Weekends usually meant I spent more time with my family and more time with a false facade. I crossed my arms over my chest, holding my sides tightly. "I guess I'll leave so you can get started," I said, already heading for the door.

"Wait!" She stood up, and grabbed my arm to stop me from going any further. "Bella, I think we should do something together tonight."

I hesitated before talking. I knew she was doing this so I wouldn't be alone, but I still didn't want to go along with it. "No, Olivia."

She rocked on her heels, her pretty face twisting into a frown. "Please? You know mom and dad are going out for their date night thing....and I don't have any plans......and you don't have any plans......and we really need to do some sister bonding stuff....so please, Bella?"

I knew how I must have looked to her. My face permanently etched in blankness, my green eyes misty and blank, my long brown hair forgotten and stuffed always in a messy bun on my head. I looked pathetic, a shadow of who I used to be. _If this is what love does to you...._I trailed off bitterly. I searched my sister's blue eyes and saw the layers of worry she always held for me. I hated that she spent most of her time worrying about me when she should be her happy, fifteen-year old self. I decided I would go, for her.

"Okay."

"Yay!" She threw her arms around me, enveloping me in a tight hug. She was a year younger than me, but already taller than my five foot height. I leaned in, giving her a second, then uncomfortably drew myself away and quietly slid out the door, dreading tonight.

Nine O'clock, on the dot, my sister barged into my room, gently tapping on the door before plowing through. "Come on, Let's go! We're going to the movies!Hurry or we're going to be late!" she said fretfully, glancing at the clock above my doorway.

I was still dressed in gray sweats and a green t-shirt, but it didn't matter what I wore for what I had planned. "We're not going to the movies."

Olivia sighed, annoyed. "Of course we are. I just bought the tickets online."

I shrugged. "I'll pay you back."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "I don't care about that. Whatever, what do you have in mind then?"

I smiled a little, remembering how easily she could be swayed. "We're going to the clearing." I said straightforwardly, talking about the clearing in the forest that lined the eastern edge of our house.

She paled and cleared her throat. "Uh, the one he uh, left you in?" she muttered.

I nodded, blankly. Pain didn't immediately swell up at the outright mention of him, but I still felt a slight stirring of something in my stomach. "Yes."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" she asked uncomfortably.

I was determined. "Yes."

She sat down gently on my purple comforter. She stared hard at me for a couple of seconds before giving in. " All right."

Five minutes later we left the house, but not before I slipped some things in my pocket.

The crunching of the leaves under our shoes as we walked was the only sound in the night. There were no animals, no crickets and the light off our porch was fading fast. Our breaths stirred the air in front of us, making small, frosted clouds.

The moon was large and full and white, our guide as we made our way into the forest. A few minutes later, we found the small clearing where it all began----and ended.

My sister set down the small portable cd player she was carrying and the handful of cd's. She seemed to know I was here for a purpose.

"What are we going to do out here, Bella?" she asked innocently.

I pulled out the two bottles of vodka I had hidden in my large, overbaggy sweatshirt. "Forget Edward Cullen."

Her eyes widened at the sight of the alcohol and I wondered if I had been wrong before in assuming she wouldn't tell my parents. But her eyes decreased to their normal size and she swallowed before answering, "Okay."

My genuis plan was no different from the other heartbroken people in this world. Getting drunk, and pretending for one night that none of it had really happened. Of course I knew I was too young but it didn't matter. Word of this wasn't slipping out of the forest.

Olivia slipped a Cd into the player and watched me unscrew the cap and take a long swig from one of the bottles. I immediately felt lighter and my head started spinning gently before clearing up. "Whoa," I mumbled unsteadly, noticing how Olivia tensed up. "If you think I"m drinking too much later on, you can stop me," I told her.

She didn't look appeased. Her eyes were wary as she followed me to a grassy spot in the shadow of the tall trees. I stumbled a few times, but I don't think it was the alcohol. I was naturally clumsy.

I drew in another long gulp and the affects took immediate effect. Edward's omnipresent memory was beginning to fade around the edges and I felt relief explode in my chest. Soft music played behind me and I stared off ino the distance, occassionally taking long sips.

Whenever I offered Olivia some, she always turned me down and I would feel a twinge of guilt, knowing this wasn't what she had in mind for bonding stuff. But as the night went on, the guilt faded just like everything else.

Yet, as the sips grew longer and I grew dizzier, I noticed that the longing I felt never left. The love and the pain were beginning to surface instead of the numbness and I would panic, drinking more and more. With each sip, brought emotions and I began to wish for the numbness.

The last time I took a sip, emptying the first bottle and reaching for the second one, I felt a hand on my wrist, jerking the bottle away.

"That's enough," Olivia said firmly. She looked scared. I wondered what she saw in my expression.

"No," I mumbled reaching for it and completely missing, veering off to the far left.

"You're scaring me, Bella. Knock it off."

The cd had stopped playing and I could hazily hear the stress in her voice.

"Give it back," I slurred, watching the stars spin around in a wide circle.

"No! Bella, I went along with this for you and now it's time to stop! You're not going to forget him like this! He doesn't deserve that." she spoke fiercely.

I vaguely felt the anger rise. "Doesn't deserve it? He left me for Godssakes! He told me I was nothing and that he didn't love me! How can you say he doesn't deserve this?"

The words left my mouth heated but I think she only understood about half of what I said through the slurring.

"We're leaving," Olivia decided firmly, grabbing my arm.

We made it halfway across the clearing before she stopped, disgusted and dropped my arm. I couldn't walk straight and kept banging into every tree. Olivia was too tired and weak to carry me home.

"God, how did I get myself into this mess?" she asked herself.

I answered for her. "Because you're a bad sister." I didn't mean a word of it, I was so drunk I could barely think.

She looked up sharply. "God Bella! You think you're so perfect? Look what you've done! You've moped and cried for the past year over some boy who couldn't care less about you! Has he called you, Bella? Written you? Even told you where he lives now? And in your pathetic attempt to forget him, you get drunk and leave me in the middle of the woods with no way to get help if you decide to pass out! You need to move on and forget, Bella!" She said visciously.

That struck a nerve. Even in my drunken state I could process what she said. Was I really that horrible? Then the other half of my brain thought, How does she expect me to get over the only boy I would ever love?

I spat back, tears beginning to slide down my cheeks. "I can't forget! Everywhere I look, everything I hear, touch, feel, reminds me of him! How can I forget something that follows me everywhere? I love him, Olivia! If you were a good sister, you would have been able to see past the mask I was wearing and you would have been able to see how much pain I was really in! Can you even begin to grasp how much I wanted to die?"

She stared at me horror-struck as I continued my drunken rant, not even talking to her anymore. I looked up at the sky and pretended it was Edward. I started screaming at him.

"How could you tell me you love me so many times and then just walk away? I'm not some toy you yank around on a string! I'm not one of your petty distractions! I'm real! I thought our love was real! I hate you!" I dropped to my knees, sobs racking my body. "I can't forget! Why can't I forget?"

My sister fell beside me and wrapped her arms wround me, comforting me, her anger forgotten. "I'm so so sorry Bella. I'm so sorry. I wish I could have been there for you."

I could barely hear her, the pain gripping me. "I need you so much just to live! Look what you've done to me! I'm dying. Why did you leave? Come back! Please!"

The stars twinkled merrily back as I sobbed so hard. My whole body was vibrating with tears as my mine held only one thought._ I lied. I love you._


End file.
